January Transfer Window 2019: How Much Your Premier League Club Will Spend (Part 1)

The January Transfer Window 2019 is upon us and most of the Premier League Clubs are reportedly ready to go bonkers in the transfer market.

There are also a few who will be taking this opportunity to put pressure on their transfer targets (and by that we mean Jack Grealish) and then end up signing fuck all yet again!

But let’s talk about the big six of the Premier League here. How much money are the top six Clubs willing to cough up in the market this month?

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To find out what’s going on behind the closed doors, we sent our journalist/part-time detective Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner to uncover all the transfer secrets and by golly! what came out was eye-opening for all of us.

So, here we are, with the reports (and the real pictures) as provided by our journalist Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner. We hope you enjoy AND SHARE it:


We know that Chelsea have already started their January Transfer Window 2019 by spending £60m on the greatest American “soccer” player of all time just so that they can be covered like crazy on the NBCSN.

Our journalist Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner reckons all they need to do now is stamp their pictures on McDonald’s burgers and wraps and every American will be googling on “how to get a body like Chelsea?”

Think of the surprise on their faces when they find out that Chelsea is actually a club and Christian Pulisic is not getting into a relationship with an English model!

But is £60m enough? Or is Chelsea ready to dive in as Alvaro Morata does on the pitch everytime someone touches his aura? Our fearless journalist/part-time detective Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner managed to creep inside the Cobham training ground to get the answers and here’s a pic of what he found:

Maurizio Sarri January Transfer Window 2019

Yes, everyone, that’s a real picture of the Chelsea manager and Italian smoke ambassador Maurizio Sarri who is seen sitting on a pile of money here, smoking a cig of course (legend has it, in his short stint at Chelsea, he has already exhaled amounts of smoke enough to fill the streets of London with a dense smog for 256 days).

Our journalist, Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner couldn’t manage a picture of Roman Abramovich because he was reportedly busy in a conversation with Vladimir Putin and Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner is intent on staying alive for a few more years.

Fair to say, Chelsea and Sarri have a large amount of green still there to be spent.

January Transfer Window 2019 strategy

Maybe, they should actually try to sign a Striker this time instead of falling angels!


We already know that Liverpool are flying high and 2019 is going to be their year. The nice, calm and collected supporters of Liverpool who have absolutely no interest in history and never bring it up in a conversation are humble enough to play it all down like they always do, but we already know it is happening!

As far as their transfer funds are concerned, Our journalist Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner found a way into their Melwood training complex, which wasn’t that hard apparently. “You just have to laugh and say ‘Boom’ a lot”, our journalist Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner explained when asked how he managed to get inside so easily.

Anyway, once inside, our journalist Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner did manage a picture of Jurgen Klopp:

Jurgen Klopp January Transfer Window 2019

And yes, that’s the real picture of Jurgen Klopp inside the Melwood training ground. Apparently, they have built a beach and ocean (filled with the tears of the Evertonians every time their team travel to The Kop) for their part-time German manager and full-time hugs distributor.

Where did they find the money for such expensive luxuries, you ask? Well, the answer to that (and apparently every other question regarding money) was a simple “We still got Philippe Coutinho leftovers”.

Apparently, the deal was worth £140m for every single year till Coutinho retires. So, that ought to cover them for the next 10 years at least!

January Transfer Window 2019 strategy

But, where do they need to spend the money in their January Transfer Window 2019? If it was Tottenham, Daniel Levy and co. would be set for a lifetime with this squad but not the German hugging machine, no! Once they complete the deal to sell their Pharaoh Mo Salah to Barcelona (an eventuality), Klopp is planning to buy some mountains and lakes for the Melwood training complex.

Of course, Liverpool would have won 10 more Premier Leagues by then although their humble and peaceful supporters play down that possibility with a smile on their face and flowers in their hand.


Was it difficult for our journalist Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner to get inside the Etihad Campus? “You just have to say that you are a Manchester City fan and they pay you 5000 Pounds and 100 season tickets if you sign a paper saying you will come to watch Man City games and fill the seats”.

Yes, it was a bit tricky, but it got done!

Pep Guardiola, the best manager in the world, doesn’t believe in spending money to sign at least 2 world class players for every position and would rather play a team full of youth players like Kevin De Bruyne, Riyad Mahrez, Mendy and Aymeric Laporte, not to mention their academy products like Kyle Walker and Raheem Sterling.

In fact, they are so humble and naive that Alexis Sanchez, who was almost set to sign for the genius hairstylist last January, ended up signing for their neighbors, just because they “couldn’t afford him”! The poor Arabs!

This January, however, after losing 3 games and falling behind in the Premier League table, Pep took it upon himself to spend some money and bring the historical glory days back to the Etihad:

Pep Guardiola January Transfer Window 2019

While the Arabs are still unaware of this, our journalist Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner was sharp enough to take the above snap.

The story goes that Guardiola arranged a meeting with the Arab owners owing to his hair problems. The Spaniard reportedly conned them into loaning a few barrels of oil to treat his hairs. (He said he still got 3 of them left and he wants to preserve them and the Arabs were kind of enough to lend him some.)

January Transfer Window 2019 strategy

What the Arabs didn’t know was Pep secretly sold the oil to Donald Trump and ran away with the money. Now, he’s reportedly set to invest heavily this January. The Spaniard reportedly want to sign one player for every position in their January Transfer Window 2019.

So, that’s the transfer story of 3 of the top six teams. We will get back to you with the transfer stories on Arsenal, Tottenham and Manchester United.

A big thanks to our journalist Bastian Schweinsthöjhgküjfgner, who put his life on the line to bring you all the deep and controversial secrets from behind closed doors.

Stay tuned for the part 2 of this groundbreaking report!

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